I is for Infertility…

I never thought I’d be writing this blog. I am a 25 year old, healthy woman – but I am infertile. I have a condition linked to Premature Ovarian Failure. Luckily, I have many eggs, but my high FSH shows that they are low in quality in my ovarian reserve. This is something that usually happens to a woman approaching her 40’s, they don't know why it sometimes happens to much younger women. But here I am, with lots of poor quality eggs and nearly a zero chance of conceiving naturally. There are few things as hard on a marriage than having trouble getting pregnant. Perhaps it is our nature, hard wired in us the desire to want children which makes the inability so difficult on couples.

The purpose for this blog is not to initiate sympathy or concern. It is not meant to scare you into trying to have a baby too early, or make you feel bad for being able to get pregnant. This is just a part of a healing process. I have found that talking about my struggles with infertility makes the pain lessen. Some of you may have already read my infertility blog and know the majority of this. For those of you who haven't, here is my journey on the infertility roller coaster.

It was 528 days ago that we decided we wanted a family – One year, 6 months. Honestly we expected it to take several months, so we jumped right in. At first our outlook was optimistic and if we got pregnant great, if not we were young and have plenty of time.

After several months of not getting pregnant I decided to take matters into my own hands. My serious type A personality was tired of leaving it up to chance. I researched, learned things my health teacher never mentioned about my own body, bought ovulation predictor kits, a basal body thermometer and the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility – and I was off, ready to conceive! Or so I thought, I guess my body had a different plan for me because a year and a half later, a dozen or so infertility books and tons of blood draws, ultrasounds and doctors - I’m still not pregnant, and there is no end in sight.

I am now faced with the fact that IVF (in vitro fertilization) with ICSI (picture to the right) is my only option – a very scary thought. Because of my egg quality, I have limited chance of conceiving without this. In fact, most centers will not treat a woman with high FSH because the outcomes even with IFV are low and unpredictable at best. However, I refuse to give up hope. I know someday I will be a mother. If enduring countless doctor appointments, self injected shots and procedures is how it must happen – then so be it.

There is a light at the end of this tunnel though; I am YOUNG! The IVF success rates are much higher, as time is on my side. If I was 40 with high FSH and poor egg quality my chances would not be good. My doctors are the best of the best in Washington and luckily MSFT pays for a lot of it – up to $15k lifetime max for both of us (unfortunately the reality is that IVF costs much more then allotted to us. Typically just once cycle is $12-15k) It is however a blessing that I will not have to pay out of pocket for the entire procedure. My parents have also committed to "investing early" in their grandchildren and footing any remaining IVF bill.

Infertility is definitely a roller coaster, full of highs and lows, peaks and valleys, optimism and pessimism. It is really hard to not get discouraged and to always mask my pain from the world. This is something that is on my mind all day, every day. The more I read, the more discouraging as the odds are increasingly unfavorable. I have to rely on my faith, hope and belief that we will have a family some day.

I find myself getting annoyed at the slightest things; people who don’t want babies but get pregnant, others telling me “relax and you’ll get pregnant, or eat, drink, sleep like this and it will work in no time, or my favorite: a friend of my friends’ sister swears by this”. I know they are trying to help, but when a doctor tells you it won’t work – I'd stick with the medical route. I do however plan to take a semi-holistic approach to IVF, while doing the standard medication and procedures I will likely do acupuncture and a wellness class to lower stress and increase success chances. This is something my doctor’s office provides and I think it will be good to at least be in a support group with others going through the same thing as I am.

I have a hard time not asking ‘why me’ all of the time. It’s also important for me to not compare situations, just because someone else had it easy, doesn't mean the world is out to get me, it’s not me versus them – it’s me versus my ovaries. It’s strange that something this rare in someone my age, is happening to me though. I know I could have it worse, but why something this natural can’t be easy is beyond me. There are plenty of couples who have both a male and female infertility factor. Thankfully, that is not us.

If you have kids, give thanks. If you can get pregnant, enjoy your pregnancy. There are millions of women out there who are not as fortunate as you. We would kill for weight gain, morning sickness and decorating a baby room, buying little clothes and having raging hormones. We look forward to the day of screaming tantrums, buying a minivan and visiting grandparents. Count your blessings and remember how lucky each of us really are in our lives. If this roller coaster has taught me anything it’s to not give up hope, never underestimate the power of positive thinking, give thanks for warm shoulders to cry on and try not to sweat the small stuff. I’m also learning patience and getting over my fear of needles.

I encourage all of you to re-think your opinion on infertility treatments and IVF. I know when we first started I thought IVF was unnecessary, and only for desperate people. That if you couldn't get pregnant naturally to some extent maybe you weren't supposed to. Obviously my thoughts have changed. It just goes to show that nobody really knows what they'd do, and how they'd feel until they go through it.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we embark on this IVF journey, and thanks to each and every one of you for your friendship, love and unconditional support. I couldn’t make it through this without you.

My husband is a great support and so are my best friends. Sometimes talking about it helps, other times the avoidance and ‘cheer up’ method is what I need. Luckily those closest to me can read me so well and really do help each and every day. Infertility has brought me closer to my husband, to my mother (probably my greatest source of strength and support as she battled breast cancer 6 years ago), and to my friends.


Here are my milestones on our trying to conceive journey:

* Sept ‘06 - Went off BCP
* Oct ‘06 - Decided to start "trying"
* Dec ‘06 - Started Charting.
* Sept ‘07 - OBGYN Mis-Diagnosis & abnormal pap.
* Oct ‘07 - "Unexplained Infertility" w/ OBGYN: Referred to RE.
* April-June ‘07 - Break.
* July ‘07 – Back to charting.
* Jan ‘08 - First RE Appt & New Insurance!
* Jan ‘08 - Acrosome Reaction (Sperm) Test - mostly normal results.
* Feb-March ‘08 - First Cycle (#17) on Clomid. CD 3: FSH 13 (high), AFC 10-15 (low). CD 10 FSH 13.7 (still high). Survey Says: Abnormal, ovulation induction meds will not work.
* March ‘08 - CD 11 HSG - ALL CLEAR!!! Finally some good news.
* March ‘08 – Diagnosis; Low egg quality with high FSH. Sub-par sperm morphology.
* March ‘08 - Treatment Plan - straight to IVF with ICSI.
* April '08 - Cycle off.
* May '08 - First IVF cycle.


Fertility Facts:

OK so what exactly is infertility? Infertility is defined as the inability for a couple to become pregnant after one year of steady, unprotected intercourse. The male partner, the female partner, or both may have a fertility problem.

· 1 in 5 couples are infertile.
· For 40 percent of these couples, the inability to conceive stems from a problem with the man's sperm. In 20 percent of infertile couples, both the man and woman have reproductive difficulties, and in the remaining 40 percent the man is fully fertile but the woman is not.
· Each woman is born with approx 2 million eggs, by the time she reaches teenage years this is reduced to about 400,000 eggs.
· There are only approx 30 days a year to get pregnant.
· A woman can loose approx 2 eggs per hour over her fertile life, about 1,000 eggs each month until eventually no eggs remain.
· The egg can only be fertilized for approx 24 hours per month.
· Most women (98%) are fertile through their twenties, yet by their mid 30’s the infertility rate increases to nearly 30%.

Again, please don't take offense to this blog. I hesitated about writing this but know that I need to express my feelings, educate and let myself be honest. Thanks again for everyone's support. And if we work together; please keep this to yourself, I don't want the whole office knowing!